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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27408862">Today, tomorrow, never.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/NikolayArlovskiy/pseuds/NikolayArlovskiy'>NikolayArlovskiy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne &amp; Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Cruelty, Dark, F/F, Fetish, First Time, Genderswap, Psychology</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 22:07:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,581</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27408862</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/NikolayArlovskiy/pseuds/NikolayArlovskiy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Severin Snape was born a boy. Besides, until she was sixteen, she never thought about changing her gender. But her love for Lily, from early childhood, has grown to monstrous proportions...</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lily Evans Potter/Severus Snape</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Today, tomorrow, never.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The beginning of may was marked by unusually warm days. The courtyard of the school of witchcraft and wizardry was flooded with sunlight, and undergraduates sat on benches, reading textbooks, practicing spells, talking and laughing. But nothing in the surrounding area interested the young man in Slytherin uniform, who sat under the arch of a secluded gazebo and stared at the attic corridor leading from the castle to the courtyard-not in the least.</p><p>The young man's face was set in a mask of indignant longing. It was probably this — indignation and longing-that characterized his present state best. In appearance, the teenager seemed quite adequate, even periodically flinching when looking at the students coming out from under the roof of the wooden nave, at the slightest hint of a reddish hair, he did not arouse much suspicion.</p><p>The student's name was Severus Snape. And in fact – he was totally, absolutely, desperately ill ... poisoned physically, emotionally, spiritually... he was mad as hell, he was torn apart by jealousy, the contents of who knows how many vials of a soothing potion had disappeared in his system! Certainly, none of the wizards and witches, professors and students did not suspect and would hardly want to know-what he felt. And he, in the truest sense, was ready to cut his skin into scarlet bows… Bows for Lily.</p><p>What time was it in the afternoon? On Sundays like this, Lily Evans always delivered the mail. She generally had a very calculated schedule, and Severus knew every step of her friend by heart. The boy had spent his entire life spying on Gryffindor, even before she was even a Gryffindor. And he devoted himself to their friendship without reserve, and he reveled in every second spent next to Lily, and he trembled like a drunken alcoholic if there was even a hint of discontent in her tone. In fact, why was he breaking down like a drug addict without a fix this time? Yesterday, a Gryffindor girl accused her best friend of supporting dark sorcery — Lily was singed by her classmates, whose heads Severus would have liked to remove with a small-toothed file. Lily was indignant about Avery and Malsiber and Snape's involvement in dangerous jokes — half of what was said missed the boy's understanding. And today, after Breakfast, she ignored him, first chatting with Potter and black at the lion faculty table, and then pretending to be busy dealing with the juniors like a prefect.</p><p>The last time Lily ignored her best friend, Severus was about to put his hand in a boiling pot of potion. Then Lily forgave him, although he no longer remembered what he had done. But she warned me that she wasn't going to forgive me any more, especially with this kind of blackmail, even if my friend threatened to put a bullet in his temple with a Muggle cannon.</p><p>Snape looked at the hands of a large clock on one of the Hogwarts towers, and his jaw clenched with indignation. After standing for a while longer at her short post, dispelling bad suggestions — what could have delayed her? What or who? The teenager turned his gaze to the attic entrance. A heavy lump rose in my throat and came out of my mouth in a ragged sigh. Lily stepped off the step, looked around, and walked quickly along the school yard.</p><p>The girl hurried away along the narrow path, finding herself against the background of the brick-beige exterior of the owlet house with a chipped lamp over the arched entrance, not noticing that her guide was following her.</p><p>Snape waited until Gryffindor sent all the letters to her family. A little way from the entrance, and standing erect, he paused like a constable on duty. He wasn't standing right in front of the entrance, so Lily wouldn't get scared like she once did. He didn't want to frighten Lily. And when she came out, she looked at the Slytherin a little haughtily: raised her eyebrows and barely flattened her lips.</p><p>— Are you offended?</p><p>— Basically, no. I can't say I'm holding a grudge, but I'm sorry for Mary.</p><p>— Is it possible that some third people can cause discord in our friendship? I thought we were best friends?</p><p>— Best friends? Of course, Severus, we were best friends until you contacted me.. – the young man looked at the beautiful face of the interlocutor, and the connection and meaning seemed to be lost, tripled, cut off.</p><p>And nothing mattered except her face and the opening and closing of her lips in speech that did not touch the ear. He knew exactly what she was going to say. And no matter what she said, he wanted to hear that voice all the time, but the words... they were completely unimportant. Snape was left to once again snap at his past arguments, regarding the werewolf-Lupin and Lovelace-Potter, who wanted to add to the list of Lily Evans ' passions, which, of course, would not happen until Snape hammered nails into his Gryffindor coffin.</p><p>—I know James Potter is a smug pig, – Lily summed up the whole argument. And with that, all awareness left Severus's mind.</p><p>He followed Lily back to the castle, feeling exultant. His shins were tangled in the floors of his school robes, and he couldn't keep up with the object of his adoration, because his legs were stiff and numb, not wanting to leave the place where those blessed words were spoken, which led to the conclusion that Lily wasn't going to return Potter's love.</p><p>— And besides, what makes you so sure he likes me? After all, he knows perfectly well that I don't like it, that I don't like guys at all. </p><p>Severus overtook his friend in the corridor, standing in front of her. He couldn't imagine his own twisted face at that moment, but thanks to Lily's calmness, he tried to relax.</p><p>— In which… – the Slytherin stammered, feeling a terrible pain under his ribs. — In what sense?</p><p>— Yes in this, – Lily shrugged, as if it were a matter of course. — I like girls, you know? And only with girls I'm ready to go on dates.</p><p>The young wizard could hardly feel his body, it just separated from him: hands themselves clenched in trembling fists, jaw arch, and cheeks tight against the teeth inside the mouth, forehead covered with cold perspiration, and his gaze directed somewhere in the floor — ran on the baseboards, on shoes.</p><p>Snape had read a lot of books about his syndrome, and he knew that his mania would turn into something very bad. After all, all his fits of acute desire or tides of murderous misanthropy were associated only with his "best friend". He was forced to be so hypocritical, because this was the only chance to communicate with Lily, because once he gave a hint of a relationship — although no hints should have been given, because a blind slug would have seen through the evidence — when Gryffindor gently rejected him and now it became clear – because of what!</p><p>— But...why…</p><p>— Why? Oh, it happens. I'm sorry, I thought you guessed everything, – the Slytherin whipping boy was blocking Lily's path, and she couldn't help but watch him as something startled her. — My God, what's wrong with you, Sev? Are you ill?</p><p>The young man could not help himself: everything around him was blurred, and everything inside was twisted. But his mind was very clear. It was as if some divine light had come to him from the corner of hell where his beloved being was smoking.</p><p>— W-why… – Snape had never been able to think at such a fast pace before. — Why did Potter find out about... this before I did?</p><p>— Well, I'm sorry. So it happened. We once chatted in the living room, sharing secrets.</p><p>— Shared secrets? – omitting all the ambiguity of this horror, Snape swallowed and finally decided, in a split second, that he would rather die than lose Lily forever.</p><p>— Well yes. Share secrets, – Gryffindor repeated.</p><p>— But how is he a guy?</p><p>— I guess so are you…</p><p>— No, – Snape blurted out automatically.</p><p>— No? – Evans rolled her emerald eyes in shock.</p><p>— Um...uh – the Slytherin couldn't remember what it was called by Muggles, but obviously what was on his mind was his clever escape.</p><p>— Explain. What do you mean, you're not a guy?</p><p>— I'm a girl, – Snape muttered, and Lily Evans studied him for about half a minute, looking extremely wary and incredulous as she backed down the corridor.</p><p>— Hold on. Are you saying that you feel like a girl even though you were born in a guy's body? – Lily suggested, and Severus breathed a sigh of relief and nodded gratefully at her. — Are you trans? Do you have a gender identity disorder? Not happening, – the young sorceress reproached her with a cocky tone.</p><p>— Can, – Snape suddenly assured him warmly, having been given a hint as to what it was called.</p><p>— Why are you lying? When did you feel like a girl, m? Just now?</p><p>— No, not just now. And I'm not lying…</p><p>— Yes, Yes… – Lily grinned rather sarcastically.</p><p>— Why do you think I wore my mother's clothes as a child?</p><p>The Muggle-born witch stopped grinning abruptly. Snape figured it would be better if they burned him alive, lowered him in a herd, and subjected him to the most sophisticated mockery… All this was long ago indifferent. All this was nothing compared to the absence of Lily Evans in his life.</p><p>— Oh Merlin, – Lily covered her mouth with her hand.</p>
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